Adventures in a Harem
by Dobre Ytka
Summary: What happens when you put all the members of Dobre Ytka's harem into an alternet universe that can only be reached through her closet door? Absolute chaos...
1. You Never Get a Second Chance

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, except the harem. I don't own most of the guys in it. In fact, my closet door doesn't magically open into a harem...darn it.

**Adventures in a Harem...**

**Chapter One: You Never Get a Second Chance to Make a First Impression**

It started out like any other day. Just a normal day...well, as normal as any day could be in a harem. I know what you're thinking, but give me a chance to explain. This was no ordinary harem. It was the harem of Dobre Ytka, fanfiction writer and psychopath extraordinaire. It was a small harem, but it continued to grow...and became stranger every day. Our story begins on a typical Thursday evening...

(Scene: A small room, the entryway to the rest of the harem. It has no windows, and only two doors, which are on opposite sides of the room. One door, as stated previously, leads to the harem. The other is a magic door, which leads out of Dobre Ytka's closet. On the walls without doors are two torches, burning with a hiss.)

The door to Dobre Ytka's closet opened suddenly. Two people stepped through it. One was a girl. She was eighteen years old, had brown hair that was a little more than shoulder length, and brown eyes. She was dressed in a pair of jean shorts, and an overly large Husker's sweatshirt. The other person was a man. He was tall, and rather good looking, with brown hair that was also around shoulder length. His clothes were a bit more archaic than the girls.

"Well Aragorn," said the girl, "what do you think?" She tilted her head slightly to one side as she asked this question.

"It is not quite what I had expected" Aragorn replied. "I thought it would be more...bright." There was a slight hesitation before the last word, as though Aragorn felt the need to choose his words carefully.

The girl pouted. "Fine," she snapped. "I'll make sure your room is all lace and neon. Happy?" Obviously Aragorn (despite his care) had not chosen wisely.

"I'm sorry Dobre Ytka" Aragorn pacified, "I did not mean to offend you. It's just the word harem brings a...different image to mind. This is almost like home."

Dobre Ytka smiled. "That's ok, I understand what you mean. Most of the guys who live here prefer this look, so this is how I've decorated it. I want everyone to feel at home. Speaking of which...where is everyone? I told them to be here to meet you." She peered around the room, but no one popped out from behind a torch to say hi. She shook her head. "Oh well, they'll learn." On that ominous note she turned to Aragorn. "Come on, let's go find them and get you settled in before I have to get back to my dorm room." She walked purposefully through the harem door with Aragorn following meekly behind her.

(Scene: A brightly lit living room. Along one wall is a huge bay window, complete with window seat. On the wall adjacent to it (to the right if you're facing the window...) is an ornate double door. An old fashioned fireplace dominates the wall to the left (across from door). In front of and facing the fireplace are two very cushy chairs, with a coffee table in between. Along the fourth and final wall there is a small bar by the door (Get your minds out of the gutter! Dobre Ytka's only 18...it's stocked with soda.) In the center of the room there are two huge couches. They face each other, and there is also a large coffee table in between for resting your feet. Oh! And I almost forgot to mention. All the walls (except of course for the window, and fireplace) doubled for bookcases. Even the door was a bookcase, as was the area above the built-in bar.)

As Aragorn and Dobre Ytka entered the living room, he noticed several things. The first thing was the books. They were hard to miss. The walls were covered with them, and there were some on each of the coffee tables, as though someone had been reading them and had put them down momentarily when they were interrupted. The second thing is that the room was designed for comfort. Each of the couches was long enough to sleep on, and all the furniture looked incredibly soft and comfortable. The third thing was that although it had been day out when he had entered the harem, the garden outside the window was covered in shadows. It was as though someone had blocked the sun. Only after Aragorn had noted all of this did he let his gaze, and his attention, rest on the two arguing men in front of said window.

"Ooohhh," Dobre Ytka whispered in his ear, "this is gonna be good. Go ahead and sit on the couch while I get something to drink." Aragorn followed her instructions, and noticed absently that he had been right about the comfortableness of the couch. He heard a pop, and a fizzing sound, then felt the couch sink slightly as Dobre Ytka settled in beside him. Normally, he would have paid more attention to what Dobre Ytka was doing (just because she was really rather scary at times...) but he was riveted in place by the scene unfolding before him.

The two men were utterly fascinating. One was tall and slender. He had pasty white skin, black hair (slicked back), and oddly enough...red eyes. He was rather creepy, as he was immaculately dressed in a black suite and a long black cape. The other man was also very strange. His hair was a dirty brown color (Aragorn had a sneaky suspicion it might be a few shades lighter if he ever washed it), but it was slightly longer that the first man's, and was tangled about his head like a lion's mane. His eye's were black, and snapping with anger. He was dressed in dirt-smudged t-shirt and jeans with a rip in the knee.

"You are a fictional character!" The second man screamed at the first. "You were based off of me! You would not exist if it weren't for me!"

The first man was just as incensed as the second. "I am Dracula! Lord of the night! Master of all creatures of the dark! You cannot intimidate me!"

"Well I am Vlad the Impaler!" the first man screamed back. "I tortured and killed hundreds, if not thousands, of people!"

"I have a bigger fan base!" Dracula screeched.

"I have a pointy wooden stake!" Vlad snarled.

"I'll suck you're blood!" Dracula threatened.

"I'll stake you!" Vlad hissed.

"Guys!" Dobre Ytka interrupted at a yell. Both men turned to look at her as she jumped up and stalked towards them. "That's enough! You want to argue fine, but leave the death threats out of it. What the heck started this anyway?" Dobre Ytka raised her right eyebrow as she stared pointedly at the men.

"Well..." both men said at once. They threw startled glances at each other.

"I simply came into the living room to read a book," Dracula stated calmly. "I had darkened the sun so I could enter, and had picked up a very nice book," with this he gestured over to the window seat, where a book entitled "An Idiot's Guide to Crocheting" lay, "and the next thing I new this creaton" he gave Vlad a disdainful sniff, "was storming in, and insulting me." He threw a pitiful, innocent look at Dobre Ytka. One that seemed to say 'You don't think I would ever do anything to start a fight...not poor, pitiful me.'

"Ha!" Vlad barked. "That's not what happened at all! I was outside in the garden, tending to my roses, when all of the sudden the sun darkens. I knew it had to be this pussy" he gestured to Dracula, "so I came in to talk to him about it. Everyone knows that Thursdays are my gardening days..."

"I give up" Dobre Ytka said. "It's just not worth the effort to find out what really happened. I hope you're both ashamed of yourselves...because you just fought in front of your new roommate." Both Vlad and Dracula turned to look at Aragorn, who was still seated on the couch. He waved. Vlad stepped forward.

"I am Vlad the Impaler. Fear me for I am evil." He gave a sharp nod of his head and stepped back. Aragorn looked a little startled, but gamely turned to look at Dracula as he also stepped forward.

"I am Count Dracula" He gave an apologetic sweep of his arm. "Children of the night...what music they make." Just as he said this (his classic opening line from his movies) a very strange duck with a blue mohawk came flapping and squawking through the open double doors.

Now, as most of you know, when Dracula says that line in the movies, there is usually some eerie sound, such as a wolf howling. Not a duck. In fact, the appearance of the duck depressed him so much, he slunk over into the darkest corner of the room he could find to sulk.

When everyone (except Aragorn that is, as he had _no idea_ what was so funny) stopped laughing, there was a short silence. That blessed silence was broken however, by a rather high pitched male voice, with a thick French accent.

"_I_ am not short" the haughty voice informed the room. Aragorn looked around, certain that some sort of spook or ghost was talking. For this harem, that would almost be normal. He saw nothing. "My name is Napoleon Bonaparte, and I rule all of the known world." The voice insisted.

"No, Nappy." Dobre Ytka said gently. "You used to rule _almost_ all of what was the known world."

"You lie!" the voice spoke in outraged shock. As Aragorn watched, a short man jumped out of one of the chairs in front of the fireplace, where he had apparently been sitting/hiding this entire time. "I was the Emperor!"

"You might as well give it up" Vlad suggested. "You'll never convince him." Dobre Ytka shot him a look, then turned back to Napoleon.

"All right, Nappy" she soothed, "all right. Why don't you say hello to your new roommate?"

"Hello," Napoleon saluted Aragorn. "You are welcome here as long as you swear allegiance to no one but me."

"Now Nappy," Dobre Ytka warned, "I told you to stop recruiting an army. You are not going to overthrow me, become Emperor of the Harem, and turn your roommates into garden gnomes."

"Fine," Napoleon snarled, "then I shall go and cook dinner." He stomped his way past the duck and out of the doors.

Dobre Ytka turned to Aragorn. "That's Orlando," she stated as she pointed at the duck. "He's a were-duck, but he's mad at me right now, so he won't turn into a human to greet you." Orlando stuck his duck tongue out at Dobre Ytka (as much as he could, anyway) and waddled off. Dobre Ytka turned to Vlad. "Where's everyone else?" she asked him.

"Here and there" he replied. As he spoke, there came a resonating sound from somewhere else in the house.

"8 o'clock and aaaaalllllllssssssss we-ell!"

Dobre Ytka gasped. "8 o'clock! I've got to go! CSI is on, and I have to clean my room! Vlad," she turned to Vlad, "Introduce Aragorn to the others. Don't forget the harem rules!" The last command was thrown over her shoulder as she dashed from the room. They heard a faint slam as the front door (a.k.a. Dobre Ytka's closet door) slammed closed. Vlad grimaced.

"Feared throughout history, and I'm the one who gets picked to be nanny," he muttered. He motioned to Aragorn and walked through the double doors. He continued to mutter, but nothing he said was intelligible. Aragorn shrugged and followed.

Yup, just another normal day...

**Author's Note:** Sorry I haven't updated anything in a while. This is (obviously) my newest...something. It's not exactly a story. It's just going to be bits and pieces of life in my harem. Yup...you'll eventually get to meet the whole gang.

The magic closet door...I think I need to explain that. See, it's one-way magic. When you're in the harem, it always leads to the dorm room, and you end up in the dorm room like you just stepped out of the closet. But the door in the dorm room can lead either to the closet, or to the harem, as it's convenient to the story. If that confuses you I'm sorry. The only other way I can think to explain it is to say that the harem is kind of an alternate reality for the closet. And since that explanation probably just made things worse, I'm gonna stop there...while I'm still behind.

As for the scene descriptions...Sorry if that confuses you. Personally, I just hate having to work the room description into paragraphs. This is my compromise. Every time there is a new room I will just describe it to you like I did above. Then, as you read the story, you will hopefully already have a picture of the room in your head.

More crazy characters to come, including a thief/drunk/liar (although how he gets drunk when there's only soda in the house I don't know...), another vampire, two people with the same name, a couple wring wraiths (or all nine...whatever), some royalty, and more random characters that I love. Also look for the pets, which are sure to make an appearance...or two.

**Quote:** (totally random 'cause I don't have a good one)

A man saw a ball of gold in the sky;

He climbed for it,

And eventually he achieved it—

It was clay.

Now this is the strange part:

When the man went to the earth

And looked again,

Lo, there was the ball of gold.

Now this is the strange part:

It was a ball of gold.

Ay, by the heavens, it was a ball of gold.

Stephen Crane

(Yay for owning a book of poetry that you can open to a random page!)


	2. Cruel and Unusual

**Adventures in a Harem...**

**Disclaimer: I still own the harem, but most of its members were invented by someone other than me. I did however add certain traits...like the hobbies.**

**Chapter Two: Cruel and Unusual**

(Scene: The T.V. room. One wall is a television...literally. On the wall opposite it is an open archway that is the only entrance/exit in the room. All three of the walls that aren't the TV are actually a giant, oddly shaped aquarium. The aquarium is filled with a variety of fish. The center of the room is a lowered pit filled with couches, bean bag chairs, and other comfortable seating.)

"Hello-o!" The shout rang through the house late Sunday night/early Monday morning, eventually making its way into the tv room where a small crowd had gathered.

On one of the couches sat Dobre Ytka, cross-legged. In front of her, on the floor, Vlad was sprawled out. He had obviously showered recently, and Aragorn had been right...his hair was a lighter color when it was clean. Dobre Ytka was staring at the tv, and playing with Vlad's hair when she heard the shout. "TV room!" she answered back. Then she returned to the dreadlock that she was braiding into Vlad's hair. Also in the room was Aragorn. He was huddled in a bean bag chair, trying to draw as little attention as possible. Dracula was still sulking in his dark corner of the living room. Napoleon was standing near Dobre Ytka's couch holding a tray of cookies. In the corner of the room, by the door, was a traveling chalkboard...the kind with wheels.

"Who was that?" Aragorn risked asking just as Vlad spun around to stare at Dobre Ytka (pulling his hair in the process).

"How did _she_ get here?" Vlad demanded to know.

"Well, if you really must know" Dobre Ytka was clearly put out with Vlad's tone, "I simply made her a doorway. I decided there had to be a reason she had that Three Stooges cardboard cutout in her basement." A small, shadowy figure bounced into the room. "Heya friend" this was directed at the figure.

"Hi!" was the answer Dobre Ytka got, but that was all she got, as the figure immediately bound over to the traveling chalkboard, and gave it a big hug. "Joe!" the figure cooed at the stick-figure drawn on the board. "My favorite audience member..." The figure gave Joe a fond pat on his chalk head and, turning around, promptly burst out laughing. It couldn't be helped. The sight of Dobre Ytka in her comfy pajamas braiding Vlad's hair, while making everyone watch...Mary Kate and Ashley was just too funny.

"Come on Dreamstrifer" Dobre Ytka let go of Vlad's hair long enough to pat the couch beside her. "Pull up a seat and join in the torture."

"Don't mind if I do," Dreamstrifer, that mysterious bouncy figure answered. "Although, I have to ask what they did to deserve this," as she spoke, Dreamstrifer picked a cookie up off of Napoleon's tray. "Thanks Nappy! Looks delish!"

"Well," Dobre Ytka took a deep breath, "Vlad here forgot to tell Aragorn there the house rules. Aragorn complained about my decorating skills. Nappy purposely burned my dinner because I told him he couldn't mutiny. Orlando kicked me in the shin. And Joe? Well, he just likes this movie." Dreamstrifer looked properly shocked (both at the atrocities that the harem had committed, and at the fact that Joe, her favorite audience member, enjoyed watching Mary Kate and Ashley). She looked around with a puzzled look on her face.

"Well, I see Vlad, I see Nappy, I see Aragorn, and I see Joe, but where the heck is Orlando. Where's my handsome hunk a duck?" Dobre Ytka blinked, and burst into laughter.

"Hunk...a...duck!" she guffawed. "Oh, that's great." She gestured to the walls. Dreamstrifer studied the walls closely, and sure enough, there was Orlando...swimming around. Oohhh...fish.

"Oh..." Dreamstrifer said as she spotted him. "I see he still has the mohawk." Dobre Ytka nodded. Dreamstrifer turned back to Dobre Ytka, and cocked her head quizzically. "So I get Nappy's punishment...he burned your food, and now he has to hold food all night long. Vlad get's a new hairdo. The movie is obviously for Orlando. What's Aragorn's punishment? You never duplicate, so I know the movie couldn't be all you have planned for him."

Dobre Ytka gave a sly smile. She again let go of Vlad's hair, and gestured to Dreamstrifer. The two leaned close together, and Dobre Ytka whispered something in Dreamstrifer's ear. Dreamstrifer squealed. "Oh! Can I help?" Dobre Ytka nodded. Vlad, who had obviously over heard, gave Aragorn a pitying look. Aragorn gulped.

As the movie drew to a close, Aragorn got more and more nervous. As if Dreamstrifer staring at him with an evil look on her face wasn't enough, he could see what Dobre Ytka was doing to Vlad. Once she had finished all the braids, she started with bows. Not only did each small braid have a bow at the bottom of it, she had also started gathering several braids together and, using a bow, making the group into a perky, braided pony tail. It was a horrifying sight. And the colors...dear Lord, the colors of the bows. She was diabolical.

The credits rolled. The movie was over, and Dobre Ytka was done with Vlad's hair. He looked kinda like a poodle on crack...and caffeine. The two girls rose and walked to the archway. The turned back.

"Vlad" Vlad's head whipped around at the sound of Dobre Ytka's voice. "You will go to your room, where you will write the harem rules, in small print, until all your walls are filled." Vlad nodded. "Nappy, you will go to your room, where you will continue your counseling sessions with Jack the monkey." Napoleon also nodded. "Orlando...you will stay here and continue your Mary Kate and Ashley marathon." Orlando gave a burlbly, underwater quack. "Aragorn will come with us, and Joe can do as he pleases." Aragorn was sweating by this time, but he gamely stood up and followed the girls as they exited the room. The traveling chalkboard slowly wheeled itself after the three.

(Scene: Bathroom. Large, with a jacuzzi, spacious shower, lots of counter space, and a large mirror. Not to mention the usual things like a toilet, towel rack, etc.)

Aragorn was seated in front of the counter. He stared in the mirror as Dobre Ytka and Dreamstrifer danced around behind him.

"A facial, a facial," they both crowed. They frolicked around, waving cans of soda. After a couple of minutes, they calmed down...slightly. Putting their heads together, they had a whispered consultation. Every now and then they'd glance over at Aragorn. Oh yeah, he was scared. They shook hands as they came to some agreement, and turned as one to face him. By this time, he wasn't even pretending to watch them in the mirror...he had swiveled around in the chair, and was gazing straight at them. They gave an evil grin and advanced. He had the chance for one quick squeal before they were on him.

**House Rules: **(taken from Vlad's wall)

No playing with fire (that's Dobre Ytka's job)

No animal, or human sacrifices...ritual, or any other kind

No death threats

No stalking

**Author's Note:**

Just a short chapter. No real point to it, but it was a lot more fun to write than that paper I still have to get done...

Yay for Joe, the creepy, self-moving, chalkboard! I feel very evil after this chapter, and I'm not really sure why. As you can see, I gave Dreamstrifer entrance into the harem, so now she might pop up every now and then. I definitely have to dedicate this chapter to Dreamstrifer; my friendly author goddess. I'll think you'll appreciate the quote.

**Quote:**

"I'm tired of that namby pamby, will-they won't-they sexual tension crap!"

a girl who lives down the hall from me...on whether or not Ron and Hermione hook up


End file.
